Would I Still Take a Bullet?

When you love someone do you have your limits? Do you love them less when they've hurt you? Or do you think you will forgive them; bring change into their lives? And if you forgive, are you truly doing so? Or is there masked anger and bitterness that lingers causing no change at all?

I told someone I loved many times I would take a bullet for them. Always supporting, doing things hoping to make their life easier-destress them. Defend them, give physical aid to. Even trust when I shouldn't have and given freedoms undeserved. Through multiple betrayals, I strived for unconditional love in hopes the person would see me. Love me. Want me.

But if I am already broken...how can I expect to do these things the right way? Never had any training. My parents raised me that I couldn't start a fight but I was allowed to finish one. Society says if someone does you wrong give it back and then some; make them suffer. Some just walk away leaving an unaddressed mark on their hearts. This can lead to so many bad choices and actions: drinking, drugs, with drawl, depression, suicide, anger, bitterness, mistrust, picking people apart, and so continues the list. People are complicated and our reactions to our emotions only further complicate us.

In my beginning, I truly was a mess. On my own for the first time in my life; coping with a future that I totally never saw coming. Blind sided. Angry, hurt, and bitter. However, when I was pulled from my pit...through time, I finally realized it's like the saying says,

"God pulled you from the pit so you could go back in and save the others."

I came to realize though that I didn't know how to properly forgive...especially of myself let alone someone else. Saying I had trusted when I didn't hence angry texting. Expecting the person to change when they themself were also broken. Deep rooted pain and anger I thought I had control over. WRONG. And who was I to bring change and healing to someone who is so broken when I am broken? Through the process though I removed myself from a mutual business we had together for my emotional well being. That was rough because I put a lot of myself into the place, customers who had become dear to me and saw so regularly, now I never see or speak to. Close friends I did everything with to now a random greeting or happy holiday. No one to blame, it's just part of the process. A walking of the path...the narrow one. The sanctification one.

But when I allowed God into my world, submitted my will to Him, enormous peace and changes started to unfold. When I truly trusted God's intent to prosper me and give me hope and a future, pure peace. I have hot chocolate and the word in the morning with God, walks and talks with Him and the dogs through out the day giving me the physical well being but added to it wisdom and knowledge. Still learning! Through all of it there was understanding and placement. With out God I can do nothing. Only with Him can I do anything.

When you step back and look at all that Christ did, does, and will do regarding loving and forgiving of the very people that are unworthy. Every day His grace and mercy are given to those who ask....and even to those who don't sometimes. If I am to receive His blessings though there's a catch; I must do the SAME.

But once I realized this "thing" I was required to do it all started to fall into place. Granted not as easy as it sounds but now I am in a better place of forgiveness...including myself. We are to love our neighbor as ourselves and also our enemies just as Jesus did and does; love. So you might ask if I would still take a bullet for that person? Absolutely every time. My love is deep and in training. I want to be the person running back to the pit with ropes, no matter who. That person I think knows this still and is on their path and me on mine. I love my new path because I love.

For the people I no longer see and talk to, see their smiles, hear their jokes, listen to their concerns...I still "see you", love you, and miss you. For the friends who are probably laughing at my new me and God and the here she goes again Jesus messages....I love you too; always. I have a prayer wall and I'm not afraid to use it hahahaha!

"You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and place it under a bushel. Instead they place it on a lampstand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds, and glorify your Father in heaven." Matt 5:14-16